Nightmares / Koszmary

"It will be OK. We have each other. But one day I will have to explain about my nightmares. Why they came. Why they won't ever really go away.
I will tell them how I survive it. I will tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of human goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years.
But there are much worse games to play."

***

"Będzie dobrze. Mamy siebie. Ale pewnego dnia będę musiała wyjaśnić moje koszmary. Skąd się wzięły. Dlaczego już nigdy tak naprawdę nie odejdą.
Powiem im, jak udaje mi się to przetrwać. Powiem im, że w złe poranki, wydaje się niemożliwe, aby cieszyć się czymkolwiek, bo obawiam się, że może to być odebrane. Wtedy robię w głowie listę każdego aktu ludzkiej dobroci jaką widziałam by ktoś okazał. To jest jak gra. Powtarzalna. Nawet trochę nudna po ponad dwudziestu latach.
Ale są dużo gorsze gry, w które można grać."

Of anger and pain / O cierpieniu i bólu

Words are insufficient. They are incomplete, they do not express the feelings that I'm trying to determine. They cannot fill the emptiness, cannot pour out grief and sadness, helplessness, anger, and rage. They do not share the joy or tears.

You will not understand me by reading my words. To understand my thoughts, you have to see what's behind them. You have to feel what I feel. You have to share my joy, my pain and my anger. And my fear. Fear of every day, of every moment, and fear on every existence which will die forever.

***

Słowa niewystarczają. Są niepełne, nie wyrażają uczuć, które próbuję określić. Nie potrafią wypełnić pustki, wylać żalu i smutku, bezsilności, gniewu i furii. Nie dzielą radości ani łez.

Nie zrozumiecie mnie czytając moje słowa. By pojąć moje myśli trzeba zobaczyć co za nimi stoi. Trzeba poczuć to, co ja czuję. Dzielić moją radość, moje cierpienie i mój gniew. A także mój strach. Strach o każdy dzień, o każdą chwilę oraz o każde istnienie, które umrze bezpowrotnie.

The Book of Fear / Księga Strachu

Fear might be creative. It drives the imagination and stimulates the spirit. It's better than instinct, which smoothly runs muscles and emotions, but completely blocks away thoughts.
When under the influence of instinct you begin to run, you probably won't think that your flight is an invitation to chase. You're running away to avoid danger, but at the same time you're dragging that danger behind you. View of your heels causes in the pursuer an automated response: chase, chase, chase - that's how instincts work.
On the other hand, in a similar situation reason can tell you to stand your ground and bravely look death in the face - contrary to the instinct. And death does not like it - it immediately looks away and begins to look for another victim.
Instinct would never dare to do such a thing, because the role of instinct is to run - the chase or to escape - it doesn't matter, just run! Faster, further. Scamper out of fear or out of bloodlust - it doesn't matter. With panic or with desire - it doesn't matter. Signals transmitted by instinct are simple - short commands: chase, chase, chase, kill, kill, kill, eat, eat, eat, live, live , live...
Instinct is already such and such must be, that it triggers in you a smooth and rapid coward. Coward not only escapes. Sometimes he chases and kills. Fans after the match, street gangs... - All them are hordes of cowards. Very aggressive and deadly, but not brave. They are driven by animal instincts, in which there is not even a shadow of human imagination. Reason could obviously take control of the loose reins of emotions, but first he would have to be somewhere nearby. And he, unfortunately, is not everywhere. Thought does not visit the stadiums - there's only the yelling of games, in the words of a poet.
Fear however, can bring courage.
It is therefore important to be afraid.


Wojciech Cejrowski - Rio Anaconda

***

Strach bywa twórzy. Napędza wyobraźnię i mobilizuje ducha. To lepsze niż instynkt, który wspaniale uruchamia mięśnie i emocje, ale przy okazji całkowicie blokuje myśli.
Gdy pod wpływem instynktu zaczynasz uciekać, najprawdopodobniej nie pomyślisz, że twoja ucieczka jest zaproszeniem do pogoni. Uciekasz, unikając niebezpieczeństwa, a jednocześnie ciągniesz to niebezpieczeństwo za sobą. Widok twoich pięt wywołuje u ścigającego automatyczną reakcję: goń, goń, goń - tak działają instynkty.
Z koleji rozum może ci w podobnej sytuacji kazać stanąć w miejscu i odważnie spojrzeć śmierci w oczy - wbrew instynktowi. A śmierć tego nie lubi - natychmiast odwraca wzrok i zaczyna sobie szukać innej ofiary.
Instynkt nigdy by się na coś takiego nie poważył, bo rolą instynktu jest gnać - w pogoni czy w ucieczce - obojętne, ale gnać! Byle szybciej, dalej. Gnać ze strachu czy z żądzy krwi - obojętne. Z przerażenia czy z pożądania - obojętne. Sygnały nadawane przez instynkt są proste - krótkie komendy: gnać, gnać, gnać; zabić, zabić, zabić; jeść, jeść, jeść; żyć, żyć, żyć...
Instynkt już taki jest i taki być musi, że wyzwala w tobie sprawnego i szybkiego tchórza. Tchórz nie tylko ucieka. Czasem goni, zabija. Kibice po meczu, uliczne gangi... - to wszystko hordy tchórzów. Bardzo agresywne i śmiertelnie niebezpieczne, ale nie odważne. Kierują nimi zwierzęce instynkty, za którymi nie stoi nawet cień ludzkiej wyobraźni. Rozum mógłby oczywiście przechwycić puszczone luzem lejce emocji, ale najpierw musiałby by być gdzieś w pobliżu. A on, niestety, nie wszędzie bywa. Myśl na stadionach nie gości - tam jeno wrzask igrzyska, jak mawiał poeta.
Strach natomiast potrafi wyzwolić odwagę.
Dlatego warto się bać.

Wojciech Cejrowski - Rio Anaconda

Life here isn't really so different from life in the arena. At some point, you have to stop running and turn around and face whoever wants you dead. The hard thing is finding the courage to do it. My choices are simple. I can die like quarry in the woods or I can die here beside noone. I'm not going enywhere. I'm going to stay right here and cause all kinds of trouble.

***

Życie tu nie aż tak bardzo różni się od życia na arenie. W pewnym momencie trzeba przestać uciekać i odwrócić się i stawić czoła temu, kto chce cię zabić. Rzeczą trudną jest znalezienie odwagi, by to zrobić. Moje wybory są proste. Mogę umrzeć jak ofiara w lesie albo mogę umrzeć tu, z nikim u boku. Nigdzie się nie wybieram. Mam zamiar zostać tutaj i powodować różnego rodzaju kłopoty.

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to birth to a dancing star"

Friedrich Nietzsche

***

"Trzeba wciąż mieć w sobie chaos, by móc zrodzić tańczącą gwiazdę" 

Friedrich Nietzsche

---

(Thank You)

Back to the Green / Powrót do Zieleni

The Prayer / Modlitwa

Today we see that the cycles of life continue. We have been given the duty to live in balance and harmony with each other and all living things. So now, we bring our minds together as one as we give greetings and thanks to each other as people.

We are all thankful to our Mother, the Earth, for she gives us all that we need for life. She supports our feet as we walk about upon her. It gives us joy that she continues to care for us as she has from the beginning of time. To our mother, we send greetings and thanks.

We give thanks to all the waters of the world for quenching our thirst and providing us with strength. Water is life. We know its power in many forms-waterfalls and rain, mists and streams, rivers and oceans. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to the spirit of Water.

We turn our minds to the all the Fish life in the water. They were instructed to cleanse and purify the water. They also give themselves to us as food. We are grateful that we can still find pure water. So, we turn now to the Fish and send our greetings and thanks.

Now we turn toward the vast fields of Plant life. As far as the eye can see, the Plants grow, working many wonders. They sustain many life forms. With our minds gathered together, we give thanks and look forward to seeing Plant life for many generations to come.

With one mind, we turn to honor and thank all the Food Plants we harvest from the garden. Since the beginning of time, the grains, vegetables, beans and berries have helped the people survive. Many other living things draw strength from them too. We gather all the Plant Foods together as one and send them a greeting of thanks.

Now we turn to all the Medicine herbs of the world. From the beginning they were instructed to take away sickness. They are always waiting and ready to heal us. We are happy there are still among us those special few who remember how to use these plants for healing. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to the Medicines and to the keepers of the Medicines.

We gather our minds together to send greetings and thanks to all the Animal life in the world. They have many things to teach us as people. We are honored by them when they give up their lives so we may use their bodies as food for our people. We see them near our homes and in the deep forests. We are glad they are still here and we hope that it will always be so.

We now turn our thoughts to the Trees. The Earth has many families of Trees who have their own instructions and uses. Some provide us with shelter and shade, others with fruit, beauty and other useful things. Many people of the world use a Tree as a symbol of peace and strength. With one mind, we greet and thank the Tree life.

We put our minds together as one and thank all the Birds who move and fly about over our heads. The Creator gave them beautiful songs. Each day they remind us to enjoy and appreciate life. The Eagle was chosen to be their leader. To all the Birds-from the smallest to the largest-we send our joyful greetings and thanks.

We are all thankful to the powers we know as the Four Winds. We hear their voices in the moving air as they refresh us and purify the air we breathe. They help us to bring the change of seasons. From the four directions they come, bringing us messages and giving us strength. With one mind, we send our greetings and thanks to the Four Winds.

Now we turn to the west where our grandfathers, the Thunder Beings, live. With lightning and thundering voices, they bring with them the water that renews life. We are thankful that they keep those evil things made by Okwiseres underground. We bring our minds together as one to send greetings and thanks to our Grandfathers, the Thunderers.

We now send greetings and thanks to our eldest Brother, the Sun. Each day without fail he travels the sky from east to west, bringing the light of a new day. He is the source of all the fires of life. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to our Brother, the Sun.

We put our minds together to give thanks to our oldest Grandmother, the Moon, who lights the night-time sky. She is the leader of woman all over the world, and she governs the movement of the ocean tides. By her changing face we measure time, and it is the Moon who watches over the arrival of children here on Earth. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to our Grandmother, the Moon.

We give thanks to the Stars who are spread across the sky like jewelry. We see them in the night, helping the Moon to light the darkness and bringing dew to the gardens and growing things. When we travel at night, they guide us home. With our minds gathered together as one, we send greetings and thanks to the Stars.

We gather our minds to greet and thank the enlightened Teachers who have come to help throughout the ages. When we forget how to live in harmony, they remind us of the way we were instructed to live as people. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to these caring teachers.

Now we turn our thoughts to the creator, or Great Spirit, and send greetings and thanks for all the gifts of Creation. Everything we need to live a good life is here on this Mother Earth. For all the love that is still around us, we gather our minds together as one and send our choicest words of greetings and thanks to the Creator.

Now our minds are one.

"Ohenton Kariwahtekwen"